Buck Ninety-Nine

On a hot day in August,

I made up my mind.

And I dumped her at Denny’s

For a buck ninety-nine.

I was stopped near Atlanta

For a lube and a meal.

Not much on the menu

Had any appeal.

While I stared at the specials

Not looking around

I got kicked in the foot

And someone sat down.

Across the booth with a tattered cap on

Was a face that I knew.

His name was elusive

But that soon would come too.

A friend from the past,

Whose name I’d forgot.

Had just left his rig

In the south parking lot.

We’d driven our trucks

For about the same time.

I knew something of his life,

He knew something of mine.

We talked for a while,

And then like a knife.

His question cut through me.

He said, “How’s the wife?”

For years I’d kept quiet

Needed no one to tell.

Should I answer his question?

Was he willing to dwell?

He read my thoughts

As he ordered his meal.

Can’t unload ‘til tomorrow.

I’ve got time to kill.

I talked through our dinner

And lost track of the time.

About how I dumped her at Denny’s

For a buck ninety-nine.

The sum of a lifetime

Is hard to make clear.

It’s not all in order,

But, I’ll just start it here.

It was a hot day in August,

And I was makin’ good time.

But she was rantin’ and ravin’

With no reason or rhyme.

So outside of Dallas on I-35

I stopped for diesel with the morning sunshine.

I’d been drivin’ for hours

Hearin’ what’s on her mind.

I’d offered for years

To take her on the road.

When she finally joined me,

It was her chance to unload.

She said the house didn’t matter,

The dishes could wait.

Some bills we weren’t payin’

And the others were late.

She’d throw a big tantrum

If my voice did inflect.

That we’d be better applyin’

My weekly paycheck.

To mundane essentials

Like food, house, and the cars.

And just not so much

For magazines on the stars.

She’d have none of it.

She’d made up her mind.

I was cold and mean-hearted,

These things to remind.

So on a hot day in August,

I made up my mind.

And I dumped her at Denny’s

For a buck ninety-nine.

Now don’t go a thinkin’

She had lost her good looks.

She could still turn a head.

She was one for the books.

But TV had ruined her,

Those talk shows and all.

Phil, Oprah, and Sally,

And their outrageous calls.

I’d come home from the road

While she was tuned in

To daytime TV’s

Definition of Sin.

Now of course I was guilty.

There was no other plea.

You just can’t contend

With what you see on TV.

Each day I fell victim,

To another disease.

Contracted while working,

And unknown to me.

I was heartless, uncaring,

And sometimes ignored

The things she most valued

She said I abhorred.

I tried to provide her a home,

Safe and sound.

But her truth comes from the cable,

When I’m nowhere around.

She’s been to the doctor

Now hundreds of times

Because of smog in the air

In South Caroline.

That we live Ohio

Doesn’t matter you see.

If it wasn’t true,

It wouldn’t be on TV.

She says I’m the problem,

I’m the one that’s unclean.

I need to work more at home,

And I have to go green.

I’ve been run in circles,

Hoping something would work.

When I think I can please her,

She changes networks.

She takes much offense

And makes a big scene

If I even suggest

Her shows seek the extreme.

Travel with him,

That’s what the show said.

But her headphones and TV

Kept her company instead.

Oh she traveled with me,

In body at least.

But with a 12 amp TV

And a video feast.

She sought the tube’s counsel

‘Til the early morn’s light.

Then my sins she recounted,

As I merged to the right.

Now the gal that I married

Looks a lot like she does.

But the gal that I married

Liked who I was.

This woman’s a stranger.

Though her last name is mine.

So I dumped her at Denny’s

For a Buck Ninety-Nine.

Yes, I left her in Dallas

And Drove on without Shame.

She had money for breakfast,

And she still had my name.

Now don’t think me cold hearted,

You just relax.

For the love that she gave me,

I through in the tip and the tax.

Many years later

It felt good to be free.

Until the truck stop cafe

Was playing daytime TV.

Bigger than life

I saw that woman of mine,

On a show with some others,

Dumped for a buck Ninety-Nine.

At one time I loved her,

We reveled in youth.

But she traded our years,

For that electronic truth.

While others complain

‘Bout not makin’ a dime.

I made the deal of the century

For a buck ninety-nine.

My friend nodded agreement,

At the choice I had made.

He understood fully

The price I had paid.

Then told me a saga

Filled with tears and regret.

Of his wife’s new lover,

His name’s Internet.

What was I to say?

My friend wanted advice.

So I told him: Act quickly,

Before they jack up the price!